Maze

Sometimes I do asked myself. Who I really am? What am I? What I'm doing? What should I do? As times goes by, I find myself having lots of thoughts,many questions and wonders. I also find it hard to describe and express my feelings nowadays.


Everybody is handling their own problems and doing their own things. Din have a time to sit down and have a nice chat with you. Understand what you've gone thru and listen to what u wanna say.


I start to isolated myself. Restrict myself from talking out my feelings and troubles with people because they won't get to understand and put themselves in your shoes.Though they may say they understand they know, but by the matter of facts they know nuts about it. Probably just entertain you by saying some caring words that din meant from the heart , instead just want you to stop whining like a bitch and STFU.


Everything change so much after I've married and gave birth. Now I'm a mother, I have to keep spare thoughts for others that I don't have time to think about myself. It's always about the money, others' feelings and more on educating and teaching my son. No! If you thought I'm regretting for getting married in my early age and having a child, the answer is definitely 'N.O'. I love my son very much. I put him as my everything before I am but here I am talking is about my own issue. Not about my son. I also human, of cos even I'm a mom, the perceptions and decision of going out to the workforce to earn every single cents myself not depending on people, educate myself and learning more skills in regardless of life,work or for family is always stronger pinned in my mind. 


What I want is someone to talk to, someone who can really feel and understand you, believing in you, motivate you time to time telling you a simple words like "you can do it!", " I believe you can, believe in yourself" or a pat on you shoulder just to comfort you. It's good more than enough. Just that will warms my heart deeply. 

Sometimes I really tired. Very tired on doing things not feeling appreciated. When things are well, no one turn back and praise you for doing good. When things went wrong, everyone turn to your face pin-point straight at your face, screaming, shouting and blaming at you for not handling the situations well. Those good deeds that one's done is easily forgotten , but one mistake you make and you are gone case. I've always been doing things for people, volunteer and helping out from my heart. Who ever volunteer to help to do something for me just for the sake of putting themselves in your shoes and feel you? Often I feel it's worthless helping, asking myself why do I still help? You know what? I don't know neither. I know it's worthless but if someone approach me for help sincerely, I will still try help in regardless. You can call me dumb or stupid but I don't ask for any returns just to see a smile on their face or a relieve.


I gave up so much things now. Many things cannot be replace can neither be erase nor they have a re-do buttons for me. Though I told myself, I cannot keep look back and reminisce the past memories, have to look forward and embrace all the upcoming future but if without support, motivations and encouragement, I still can't see any future ahead awaiting for me. A definite goals to work to.